Mark & My First Love (testimony part 2)

I was around 5 years old, sitting at one of many round tables, in a church gymnasium that my granny Joyce brought me to. I remember hearing the gospel & following along the prayer of welcoming Jesus into my heart. It seemed an obvious thing to do – eternal love, protection & forgiveness - a no-brainer, really!

Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it. Mark 10:15

While growing up, I went to Sunday school & Bible camp with my cousins in the summers. I felt especially connected with God during nature walks on my own & while singing in chapel. As I got older, youth group & church camps gradually became more about boys & pretending not to care about catty, cliquey girl fights, than it was about God. At a Christian music concert, I remember taking a 'pledge of purity' when I was 12 or 13. The speaker explained that sexual activity with another person is like gluing two pieces of paper together. The pages won't come apart without some damage.

Later in my teen years, I developed significant concerns about Christianity that remained unsettled for many years. I couldn’t make sense of it being ‘the only true religion’. Now I understand that Jesus is the only way to the Father (John 14:6) & eternal life (John 17:3).

Another area of confusion I had back then was about things in scripture that are outdated & no longer apply. For example, it is now understood that the masculine pronoun was used to refer to humankind not just to men. Topics about things such as slavery, sexuality & marriage, I thought were similarly 'old-fashioned'. I didn’t investigate much further or ask anyone to clarify though. While I didn’t outright give up on Christianity, I mostly set it aside & let other things take priority.

Namely, my first boyfriend ('Luke'), became my everything. Compared to Luke, who filled my life with fun & purpose, it was as if I had moved Jesus into the doghouse or stuffed Him away in a box labeled keepsakes stored in the attic. I eagerly gave Luke the spot in my life that God is supposed to have. Jesus tells His followers that we are to love God with all that we’ve got! I am not sure even now what this means or looks like but I know I wasn’t doing it! How exactly are we supposed to do this along side working full-time, having relationships & hobbies etc...?

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It's a good thing that young people nowadays are taught about consent. What stands out to me about this acronym FRIES is the word: 'Informed'. In order to make wise decisions, we need to be informed! I definitely wasn’t fully informed. Even though I had some general Biblical teaching & Christian influence in my life, I was far from having a proper Biblical perspective on love, sex & marriage. I thought I knew what it was about - a stuffy, killjoy, fear-based message regarding something very special.

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I was more so influenced by secular culture than the teachings of my family’s religious tradition. Also, my parents’ marriage wasn’t working, so I knew I had to do things differently from them. I wonder how different my life would be now if I had been more explicitly informed about what the Bible teaches on this subject. I am grateful that I was not feared & shamed by 'purity culture'. That said, if I could go back & have on-going chats with my younger self, I would point out a few important things. I’d say:

My dearest Jeannene, please hon, take a breather from 'Luke'! I know he means the world to you & I get how awesome love is – truly, I get it (I am you), but please hear me when I say: it is not healthy to put the majority of your love & attention toward another person. Luke is not your savior. Remember Jesus Christ? He is.

I can just imagine my 'wide-eyed' reaction & so I'd continue telling myself: I know you think you two will get married, heck, you already feel married to Luke but you are not married, you are just acting married. There are crucial differences between acting & actually being married. Trust me, I am telling you this, not to hurt you but because I love you & want the best for you. As a Christian, God must be central in your life to make it possible for marriage, as God designed it, to come into your life.

I would remind myself: it was like a potter, that God hand-made Adam & then from Adam, He made Eve. The first human relationship was one of marriage between Adam, Eve & God. In Mark chapter 10, Jesus responds to the question: "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife? in the following way:

Just as there are many stories throughout the Bible that do not go according to this passage of scripture, my romantic life certainly hasn't either. For years as a teen & young adult, it was a horribly confusing & painful ‘off & on again’ relationship with Luke. When we finally broke up for good, I really had to get over him, give up our foster child & move on; it was brutal. I fought tooth & nail my way out of depression with the help of Psychology, Tony Robbins & The Option Institute, where I eventually worked for two years.

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My life, already long derailed from Christianity by that point, became about choosing & pursuing happiness. I traveled & had boyfriends & wasn’t focused on marriage. I was most happy being loving & having fun. It didn’t occur to me that I was being sexually immoral. Breaking up was never easy but nothing hurt as much as my first love break-up. As the song goes, the first cut is the deepest.

For although they knew God, they neither glorified him as God nor gave thanks to him, but their thinking became futile and their foolish hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise, they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images made to look like a mortal human being and birds and animals and reptiles. Therefore God gave them over in the sinful desires of their hearts to sexual impurity for the degrading of their bodies with one another. They exchanged the truth about God for a lie, and worshiped and served created things rather than the Creator – who is forever praised. Amen. Romans 1:21-25

Being loving kept sex sacred to me, as I’ve always known it is meant to be. The saying: "love is love" is true but love means different things to everyone so therefore, in my humble opinion, it's not enough for 'safer sex'. Requiring a commitment of marriage prior to sexual intimacy makes everything that much more upfront & clear.

Looking back, I see that it was pretty much impossible for me to get the right help when I didn’t have a clue I was lost. A sure sign that I was out of alignment with my highest good, was when, at the peak of my life, I got sick with Lyme disease & didn’t recover despite proper medical treatment. I knew something was wrong but I didn’t know what. I searched wide & far for solutions. Ironically, one of things that helped me 'feel better' was engaging in relationships, yet now I see that by not following crucial, Christian principles of sexual morality, I was damaging myself. I've heard it said in a sermon that we don't really break God's commandments, we get broken on them.

Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 1 Corinthians 6:18

For years, without knowing, I was causing myself to stumble & it has been like a large millstone were hung around my neck.

If anyone causes one of these little ones – those who believe in me – to stumble, it would be better for them if a large millstone were hung around their neck and they were thrown into the sea. Mark 9:42

With the immoral behavior of elevating non-marital sexual relationships above God, I was acting just like the people of Israel (e.g. the story in Hosea), worshiping idols, cheating on God & thus grieving the Holy Spirit:

And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Ephesians 4:30

The damage being done within me, was spiritual cause for my physical energy literally being 'cut off'. I got to the point of being unable to work & take care of myself.

If your hand causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life maimed than with two hands to go into hell, where the fire never goes out. Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. And if your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off. It is better for you to enter life crippled than to have two feet and be thrown into hell. Where their worm dieth not, and the fire is not quenched. And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out. It is better for you to enter the kingdom of God with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into hell, where “’the worms that eat them do not die, and the fire is not quenched.’ Everyone will be salted with fire. Mark 9:42-49

I love the metaphor in scripture that refer to us as clay & God as the Potter (e.g. Isaiah 64:8). Consider life with all its ups & downs, as a kiln that solidifies our shape or identity. Most of us become rigid in our ways & about who we are within this fiery kiln of life. However, in Christ, we are 'new creations' (2 Cor. 5:17; Jeremiah 18:2-6) required to give up our own way (Mark 8:34) & become 'pliable' again (reborn) to our Maker. This is not an easy calling; it's like when Peter stepped out of the boat into the stormy sea while reaching for Jesus. (Matthew 14:22-33).

The Bible teaches Christ followers that we are salt (Matthew 5:23 & Mark 9:50) which means we are meant to preserve & purify. "...and every sacrifice will be seasoned with salt." Mark 9:49 (NKJV)

It wasn't until 5 years ago or so that I was more consistently hearing from God about how to put Him back into my life. I still made sexually immoral mistakes as I was in this process of transformation with the Lord. During this time, passages in the Bible jumped out at me as so very real, it was eerie. God's word has helped my growth in Christ invaluably. These are just two of countless examples throughout scripture:

This is my comfort in my affliction, that Thy word has revived me. Psalm 119:50

“Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD. ... For your Maker is your husband – the LORD Almighty is his name – the Holy One of Israel in your Redeemer; he is called the God of all the earth. The LORD will call you back as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit – a wife who married young, only to be rejected,“ says your God. “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back...." Isaiah 54:1, 5-7

Bringing Jesus out of the attic & 'back home' from out of the doghouse, has been a major, personal identity renovation project. Part of it involved rededicated myself to Jesus publicly by being baptized in September 2021 (I barely remember the first time I was baptized as a young teen). As well, I've become involved in various church activities.

Seymour River, North Vancouver, BC - September 2021 - Baptism with Pastor Joe from Highway Church & my friend Kathy.

In giving up to God my sexuality, as the last vestige of myself I was holding fast, I know I might not get to experience sex in the way God designed. I may have ruined my chances for that but I am pleased to say that even if this is the case, I'd much rather live with that consequence then carry on as I was. I have suffered enough, I am done with sin:

Therefore, since Christ suffered in his body, arm yourselves also with the same attitude, because whoever suffers in the body is done with sin. 1 Peter 4:1

Lord, thank you for making your will so clear to me now:

It is God’s will that you be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality. That each of you should learn to control your own body in a way that is holy and honorable, not in passionate lust like the pagans, who do not know God.
1 Thessalonians 4:3-5

Thank you Heavenly Father for rescuing me out of slavery to sin:

I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me... Exodus 20:2-3

Don’t you know that when you offer yourselves to someone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one you obey – whether you are slaves to sin, which leads to death, or to obedience, which leads to righteousness? Romans 6:16

Thank you Lord for helping me be content exactly where I am at; as I am when you called me back to you.

And don’t be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don’t think I’m being harder on you than on the others. I give the same counsel in all the churches. 1 Corinthians 7:17 (The Message).

Through the sanctification process, God has been renewing my thinking regarding sexual relationships. I used to be trapped believing compatibility needs to be 'tested out' prior to marriage. It is not surprising though that in reality, no two people are forever compatible. The best two people can do is commit themselves to the Lord first & foremost, as well as to prayer & working out conflicts when possible. Furthermore, the Bible teaches Christians to put a lot of trust in each other:

The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. 1 Corinthians 7:4

The husband takes on a leadership role within the marriage in love & service just as Christ did:

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ love the church and gave himself up for her.... Ephesians 5:25

The commitment of marriage is a high price to pay to those who are used to getting sexual intimacy seemingly 'for free'. I used to think of sexuality as my right, to do with as I please (within the confines of consent). Now however, I see that sex is way better understood as a gift from God given to strengthen bonds & make marriage more appealing. Sexual intimacy devoid of God-witnessed, mutual commitment is like a fire uncontained; it's missing an integral component for it’s full power to manifest safely.

For in Christ all the fullness of the deity lives in bodily form, and in Christ you have been brought to fullness. He is the head over every power and authority. Colossians 2:9-10

The book Song of Solomon makes it obvious that Biblical sexuality is not boring or outdated! It is a beautiful mystery emulating the union between Christ & the church. The Bible is a love story. It's God’s love letter to us; He's standing boldly against our rebellion & compassionately calling us back to Him.

This is a profound mystery – but I am talking about Christ and the church. Ephesians 5:32

Biblical sexual intimacy has all the ingredients necessary to ignite the most potent, transformative power in the universe. It is where two become one & one becomes three (for baby making & beyond).