My symptoms of myalgic encephalomyelitis (M.E.) find their way out of me through writing. Pain demands change, a voice to be heard. Sharing excerpts here, I set this pain free. The following is a description of what I now know is called post exertion malaise (P.E.M.) or 'crashing'. For years, occurring as frequently as daily and lasting hours. With better understanding of this condition, I now do my best to prevent flare ups like this with preemptive resting, pacing activity and taking specific supplements.
My spine aches. My legs are heavy and sore on the inside. My cells hurt. My bones ache. I can’t move easily. It feels like I’ve been buried alive and my cells are breaking. As if my bones are crumbling slightly and something heavy, like dirt, makes its way in. Breathing is difficult, especially the inhale. A strong force drives me to keep still. I have no energy to move even though I am hungry and want to get food. I stay still to conserve every bit of energy my body makes. I lay flat, saving up energy so that I will eventually be able to chew and digest. My body is so tired, I hurt all over but I am not sleepy. As if staying still will save my life, I do it with fierce commitment.
I find some distraction watching the micro movements of my nearby Asparagus Fern as the message over my ‘PA system’ continues its urgency: Code blue! Something is seriously wrong. Stay still. Don’t move. Don’t move. Don’t move. I try to reassure myself, this will pass.
I've lost so much due to these frequent 'crash' episodes occurring through out my thirties. Even so, within and between the loss, I’ve created a beautiful path for myself that I cherish and am beyond grateful for. I have developed a depth of surrender and perseverance that many could not fathom. I’m aligned with spirit and hold onto dreams....