My Great Grandpa, Emmanuel, which means, God is with us, saved my life! Indirectly of course, as I never even met him. When my Granny, Joyce, was just over a year old, he rescued her from being burned to death in a furnace. Her Mom, my Great Grandma was very sick but they didn't know what was wrong at the time. Later on they found out her illness was from barbaric dental work & it resulted in her committing the delusional & dangerous act of putting her only child into their furnace! My Grandma later found out, this was out of 'obedience to God' like when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Thank God, Emmanuel was there to intervene. 

Back in 2019, I went to Dance Divine, a conscious, free-style dance-space on a Sunday morning. I had been to many of these types of free-style dances before & nothing was unusual about this day. But part way through, something was different. A certain, distinct energy came over or into me. It was almost violent, asserting its way through me, feeling like a massive sea serpent! My body instinctively eased up so the 'entity' would be less damaging & so it rippled through, with me convulsing in waves on the floor. Strange...I know! This was happening while I was surrounded by about 30 people dancing around me. And it's not over yet...

In hindsight, I guess the 'serpent energy' bullied or pushed me into publicly pleading with God; a literal cry for help. I certainly don't like being center of attention, so rarely if ever speak up loudly, but this was a totally-out-of-the-ordinary experience. I am so grateful that someone reached out their hand & helped me stand up. My legs felt so weak & shaky & I felt incredibly urged to get back on the floor to continue writhing.

It was not just my body but my voice was hijacked also. Boldly blurting out into the ethers, as if some part of me was nearly certain I was the only one left here. Yet, everyone in that large dance space couldn't help but hear me alternating between shouting: "Fuck You!" & "Thank You!" repeatedly, like 10-20 times! OH MY, right?! 

It was Amy Color who reached out & stood by me. I didn't even know her name at that time. She came face to face with me, looking me in the eyes & clasping onto my hands. When I told her: "I need to lay back down" she kept holding my hands & said: "I am staying standing." This helped me continue to stand even though it was incredibly difficult. The 'serpent energy' eventually dissipated & I calmed down, re-centered & became my usual self again during the dance. As mortifying as the experience was for me to go through in front all those people I didn't know, the afterward part felt even worse. 

When the dance ended, the group of us sat in a closing circle. I felt extremely exposed in front of everyone because of what had happened! I had a chance to speak to the group & did my best but I stumbled because I did not yet have words to express myself adequately. The others in the group felt distant, cold & uncaring. No one asked how I was doing or offered a hug or any other form of compassion. Had they been 'holding space' for me? Were they just stunned, uncomfortable & afraid? I don't know, but it sure felt unbelievably awful. I felt shunned. It was as if the event leader thought I had done some theatrics on purpose, taking away a positive experience from the other participants, especially the new people. I certainly didn't intend for anything unusual to happen. Being invaded by a sea serpent wasn't anything I anticipated nor was it a choice out of my own volition, which indeed was quite terrifying. I am grateful to be more aware of energy like that now.  

A few times, after that experience, I reached out to Nadia Van Doren of Core Connexion, who I knew from when I lived in Calgary. She was patient & lovely in helping me process what happened & release the shame & embarrassment that I felt about it. I figure that the 'serpent energy' forced a part of me that was frightened, exhausted & unacceptable, to finally speak up. Sadly & also understandably, that part was not well received, except by one person & then later, another person & myself. Thank God for Amy & Nadia!

Back at the dance, I believe that my yelling "Fuck You" is self-explanatory but "Thank You", maybe not so much. It was my genuine praise to God for giving me the fortitude to keep making the best of a difficult situation by staying open to growth, learning & beauty.

Over the years, it has been very important to persist in getting my needs met in calmly-assertive & safe ways rather than neglecting them until they explode out inappropriately.​

I have found it frustrating & ironic that the more I 'wake up', the more I need rest & sleep! But Jesus explains this by saying: 

As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. (John 9:4)

​​​True rest occurs in Christ: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)​

Dear Jesus, there are storms in life that I can't do anything about except trust you. Help me to be like you, able to sleep & rest peacefully especially during difficult times, when I need it most. Sleeping with one eye open is not healthy. Holy Spirit, please come into the most vigilant & vulnerable parts of my mind & body. Heal me & allow me to feel safe, relaxed & protected under your light & watchful eye. Help me do what is pleasing to you. Precious Lord, bring me into your essential, regenerative & restorative sleep each night & into restful, closeness with you every day, amen. 

This photo of me is from the spring of 2006, taken on the Isle of Rum at a Scottish music festival. I never dreamed that nineteen years later, it would be used to share the gospel! It is a perfect image though, for this verse. Straight to the point of what matters most while having fun with it. Making 'light' of serious topics is Jesus' jam.

I can be quite a 'laser arrow' for God. Not meant for killing of course, but an intense light for sharing life abundantly (John 10:10). Arrows like me, need breaks or at least missions that are less intensely 'lasery'. I have no doubt I will be back to it in His perfect timing. Rest in God is necessary to produce good works just as seeds need time in soil to germinate, sprout, grow & produce.

My friend, Suzanne, colored this feather image as a gift for me. I chose this graphic out of a hundred or so options because it confirms my experience. I am being protected under God's wings as I rest. It is such a blessing to receive the softness of God's feathers as I am being restored in His quiver. Indeed, instead of being a 'laser arrow', lately I am more inclined to give of myself as a soft feather!

On Discovering the Jewish Jesus YouTube channel, Cynthia Schneider shares a word about God & the bow & arrow:

I have a feeling, that many Christians, if they were really to take time & space to 'lean back into God Almighty', they would actually fall asleep! Given my daily experience, I suspect that it is not just me, but the whole body of Christ that is tired! We must keep on giving our burdens up to the Lord & realize that God's bow for each individual member is not always drawn. As His disciples or 'arrows', we are safe to rest in His quiver. Trusting that: "We will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon us." (Acts 1:8).

One aspect of Holy Spirit power is recognizing that it is quite different than the power that the world values. It may not be productive in a monetary or material sense. Holy Spirit power works in ways that we are not to know about. Like this blog; other than for myself, I don't know what or who else it is for. Regardless, I appreciate receiving power to write & publish.

I'd like to change gears now & touch upon the 'mind-body syndrome' of chronic pain. It is by no means a new idea that suppressed emotion such as anger or fear causes physical symptoms. While I am not one to deny the bio-psychological factors of pain, I want to emphasize the major reality I experience with ME/CFS (which involves chronic pain), is the enormous strength required to complete basic activities of daily living in spite of fear. Fear seems like an annoying mosquito, in comparison to my on-going trek through "Mount Symptoms".

The concept of 'mind-body syndrome' is that physical symptoms replace painful emotions such as anger or fear because symptoms are considered to be more safe to the primitive part of the brain than certain emotions & their consequences. While I agree that for many people, physical pain tends to be more acceptable (& therefore more safe) than being a tyrant or in mental & emotional anguish; however, being painfully exhausted is not the same. As an adult, energy depletion is more unsafe than feeling & expressing emotions. To live well, we need to allow space for our own & others' emotions. 

We are encouraged many times throughout the Bible to not be afraid. Does this mean that we should ignore or 'stuff' fear instead of feeling it? No, I think, like David in the Psalms, God wants us to acknowledge our grievances & then turn from them to Him. This is repentance.

The highlighted Bible verse, Acts 2:38 commands us to repent & receive the Holy Spirit. Likewise, in this YouTube video, Jamie Winship says: "The Spirit critiques & energizes within you all the time. ... The formula of prophetic is critique & energize. ... It's God's kindness energy that leads us to repentance." Jamie shares a powerful story of a prisoner expressing fear in this sermon. Resting in Christ upon this topic the past few days, I felt as I wrote this simple poem about fear:

And now, going back to that little, annoying 'mosquito'. Sometimes it's the straw that breaks me! Already I'm so taxed navigating physical challenges & then its hum pierces my eardrum, it stabs me, steals my blood & leaves me with itchy bumps. Grrrr!

But now, I see this mosquito is just a hurting exiled part of myself, loaded down with fear. I understand, something that is not survival-oriented has to be hard to ignore to get my attention. That said, mosquitos are one creature I don't feel badly killing if they are hunting me! Smack. So beware, little mosquito, you've been warned. I'll do my best to help you unburden on a regular basis & please do not pursue me with painful emotions too intensely; no swarms!

How grateful & blessed I am to be confident in the love of my Father. I bring all these fears to Him, one by one. They rise up & off as vapor (my favorite image) & trickle away, released as tears, in God's presence. If they come back, I will go to Him with them again. His love never ends; it never runs out & it never gives up on me, amen!