 "Have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather expose them. It is shameful even to mention what the disobedient do in secret. But everything exposed by the light becomes visible--and everything that is illuminated becomes a light. This is why it is said: "Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you." Ephesians 5:11-14 My Great Grandpa, Emmanuel, which means, God is with us, saved my life! Indirectly of course, as I never even met him. When my Granny, Joyce, was just over a year old, he rescued her from being burned to death in a furnace. Her Mom, my Great Grandma was very sick but they didn't know what was wrong at the time. Later on they found out her illness was from barbaric dental work & it resulted in her committing the delusional & dangerous act of putting her only child into their furnace! My Grandma later found out, this was out of 'obedience to God' like when God told Abraham to sacrifice Isaac. Thank God, Emmanuel was there to intervene. So I have a connection with my maternal, Great Grandma - both of us having mysterious illnesses. Thank goodness, I have not been driven to such 'madness' as to attempt to sacrifice any babies, but it has driven me to my own kind of crazy. I went through something extremely difficult & embarrassing that is related to the on-going health problems as well as being sensitive to energy (what some call being a 'highly sensitive person'). Being sensitive to energy is like having no skin or my nervous system on the outside of my body. Or, being tossed around at sea without a boat. Meanwhile, others seem to be in freighters, speed boats or cruise ships, just passing by with ease. I don't see much of those folks lately, but that is probably because I don't get out much!  These lyrics are from the popular worship song "Reckless Love" written by Cory Asbury, Caleb Culver, and Ran Jackson, famously performed by Cory Asbury and Bethel Music. Back in 2019, I went to Dance Divine, a conscious, free-style dance-space on a Sunday morning. I had been to many of these types of free-style dances before & nothing was unusual about this day. But part way through, something was different. A certain, distinct energy came over or into me. It was almost violent, asserting its way through me, feeling like a massive sea serpent! My body instinctively eased up so the 'entity' would be less damaging & so it rippled through, with me convulsing in waves on the floor. Strange...I know! This was happening while I was surrounded by about 30 people dancing around me. And it's not over yet... In hindsight, I guess the 'serpent energy' bullied or pushed me into publicly pleading with God; a literal cry for help. I certainly don't like being center of attention, so rarely if ever speak up loudly, but this was a totally-out-of-the-ordinary experience. I am so grateful that someone reached out their hand & helped me stand up. My legs felt so weak & shaky & I felt incredibly urged to get back on the floor to continue writhing. It was not just my body but my voice was hijacked also. Boldly blurting out into the ethers, as if some part of me was nearly certain I was the only one left here. Yet, everyone in that large dance space couldn't help but hear me alternating between shouting: "Fuck You!" & "Thank You!" repeatedly, like 10-20 times! OH MY, right?! It was Amy Color who reached out & stood by me. I didn't even know her name at that time. She came face to face with me, looking me in the eyes & clasping onto my hands. When I told her: "I need to lay back down" she kept holding my hands & said: "I am staying standing." This helped me continue to stand even though it was incredibly difficult. The 'serpent energy' eventually dissipated & I calmed down, re-centered & became my usual self again during the dance. As mortifying as the experience was for me to go through in front all those people I didn't know, the afterward part felt even worse. When the dance ended, the group of us sat in a closing circle. I felt extremely exposed in front of everyone because of what had happened! I had a chance to speak to the group & did my best but I stumbled because I did not yet have words to express myself adequately. The others in the group felt distant, cold & uncaring. No one asked how I was doing or offered a hug or any other form of compassion. Had they been 'holding space' for me? Were they just stunned, uncomfortable & afraid? I don't know, but it sure felt unbelievably awful. I felt shunned. It was as if the event leader thought I had done some theatrics on purpose, taking away a positive experience from the other participants, especially the new people. I certainly didn't intend for anything unusual to happen. Being invaded by a sea serpent wasn't anything I anticipated nor was it a choice out of my own volition, which indeed was quite terrifying. I am grateful to be more aware of energy like that now. A few times, after that experience, I reached out to Nadia Van Doren of Core Connexion, who I knew from when I lived in Calgary. She was patient & lovely in helping me process what happened & release the shame & embarrassment that I felt about it. I figure that the 'serpent energy' forced a part of me that was frightened, exhausted & unacceptable, to finally speak up. Sadly & also understandably, that part was not well received, except by one person & then later, another person & myself. Thank God for Amy & Nadia! That experience taught me a few valuable things. One, it was part of the path that led to me re-dedicating my life to Christ. And since doing that, I am much more conscious of His constant presence - me in Him & Him in me. Any 'serpent energy' is like a little worm to Christ Jesus. Since being in close relationship with Jesus, whom I consider to be the modern day equivalent of Noah's Ark, rather than feeling tossed around at sea, I am much more aware of my safety & reassurance, being on this gigantic ship that is heading where I want to go!  Also, if called for, I pray that I will be for someone else, a strong, compassionate & steady person like Amy & Nadia were for me, when I was in need. "Wake up, sleeper, rise from the dead & Christ will shine on you." This is not likely going to be pretty. It's a messy & often ugly process. This incident I am writing about, wasn't even the beginning of the end of my rope. I had been dangling in quite a predicament for a long time. It took TEN YEARS (from 2007 to 2017) of seeking medical help to finally get properly assessed & diagnosed with ME/CFS.  Back at the dance, I believe that my yelling "Fuck You" is self-explanatory but "Thank You", maybe not so much. It was my genuine praise to God for giving me the fortitude to keep making the best of a difficult situation by staying open to growth, learning & beauty. Over the years, it has been very important to persist in getting my needs met in calmly-assertive & safe ways rather than neglecting them until they explode out inappropriately. I have found it frustrating & ironic that the more I 'wake up', the more I need rest & sleep! But Jesus explains this by saying: As long as it is day, we must do the works of him who sent me. Night is coming, when no one can work. (John 9:4) True rest occurs in Christ: "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)  "Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quite! Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" They were terrified and asked each other, "Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!" Mark 4:38-41 Dear Jesus, there are storms in life that I can't do anything about except trust you. Help me to be like you, able to sleep & rest peacefully especially during difficult times, when I need it most. Sleeping with one eye open is not healthy. Holy Spirit, please come into the most vigilant & vulnerable parts of my mind & body. Heal me & allow me to feel safe, relaxed & protected under your light & watchful eye. Help me do what is pleasing to you. Precious Lord, bring me into your essential, regenerative & restorative sleep each night & into restful, closeness with you every day, amen.  For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. Philippians 1:21
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 This photo of me is from the spring of 2006, taken on the Isle of Rum at a Scottish music festival. I never dreamed that nineteen years later, it would be used to share the gospel! It is a perfect image though, for this verse. Straight to the point of what matters most while having fun with it. Making 'light' of serious topics is Jesus' jam. I can be quite a 'laser arrow' for God. Not meant for killing of course, but an intense light for sharing life abundantly (John 10:10). Arrows like me, need breaks or at least missions that are less intensely 'lasery'. I have no doubt I will be back to it in His perfect timing. Rest in God is necessary to produce good works just as seeds need time in soil to germinate, sprout, grow & produce.  My friend, Suzanne, colored this feather image as a gift for me. I chose this graphic out of a hundred or so options because it confirms my experience. I am being protected under God's wings as I rest. It is such a blessing to receive the softness of God's feathers as I am being restored in His quiver. Indeed, instead of being a 'laser arrow', lately I am more inclined to give of myself as a soft feather! He made my mouth like a sharpened sword, in the shadow of his hand he hid me; he made me into a polished arrow and concealed me in his quiver. Isa 49:2 On Discovering the Jewish Jesus YouTube channel, Cynthia Schneider shares a word about God & the bow & arrow:  I have a feeling, that many Christians, if they were really to take time & space to 'lean back into God Almighty', they would actually fall asleep! Given my daily experience, I suspect that it is not just me, but the whole body of Christ that is tired! We must keep on giving our burdens up to the Lord & realize that God's bow for each individual member is not always drawn. As His disciples or 'arrows', we are safe to rest in His quiver. Trusting that: "We will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes upon us." (Acts 1:8). One aspect of Holy Spirit power is recognizing that it is quite different than the power that the world values. It may not be productive in a monetary or material sense. Holy Spirit power works in ways that we are not to know about. Like this blog; other than for myself, I don't know what or who else it is for. Regardless, I appreciate receiving power to write & publish. I'd like to change gears now & touch upon the 'mind-body syndrome' of chronic pain. It is by no means a new idea that suppressed emotion such as anger or fear causes physical symptoms. While I am not one to deny the bio-psychological factors of pain, I want to emphasize the major reality I experience with ME/CFS (which involves chronic pain), is the enormous strength required to complete basic activities of daily living in spite of fear. Fear seems like an annoying mosquito, in comparison to my on-going trek through "Mount Symptoms".  The concept of 'mind-body syndrome' is that physical symptoms replace painful emotions such as anger or fear because symptoms are considered to be more safe to the primitive part of the brain than certain emotions & their consequences. While I agree that for many people, physical pain tends to be more acceptable (& therefore more safe) than being a tyrant or in mental & emotional anguish; however, being painfully exhausted is not the same. As an adult, energy depletion is more unsafe than feeling & expressing emotions. To live well, we need to allow space for our own & others' emotions. We are encouraged many times throughout the Bible to not be afraid. Does this mean that we should ignore or 'stuff' fear instead of feeling it? No, I think, like David in the Psalms, God wants us to acknowledge our grievances & then turn from them to Him. This is repentance. The highlighted Bible verse, Acts 2:38 commands us to repent & receive the Holy Spirit. Likewise, in this YouTube video, Jamie Winship says: "The Spirit critiques & energizes within you all the time. ... The formula of prophetic is critique & energize. ... It's God's kindness energy that leads us to repentance." Jamie shares a powerful story of a prisoner expressing fear in this sermon. Resting in Christ upon this topic the past few days, I felt as I wrote this simple poem about fear:   And now, going back to that little, annoying 'mosquito'. Sometimes it's the straw that breaks me! Already I'm so taxed navigating physical challenges & then its hum pierces my eardrum, it stabs me, steals my blood & leaves me with itchy bumps. Grrrr! But now, I see this mosquito is just a hurting exiled part of myself, loaded down with fear. I understand, something that is not survival-oriented has to be hard to ignore to get my attention. That said, mosquitos are one creature I don't feel badly killing if they are hunting me! Smack. So beware, little mosquito, you've been warned. I'll do my best to help you unburden on a regular basis & please do not pursue me with painful emotions too intensely; no swarms! How grateful & blessed I am to be confident in the love of my Father. I bring all these fears to Him, one by one. They rise up & off as vapor (my favorite image) & trickle away, released as tears, in God's presence. If they come back, I will go to Him with them again. His love never ends; it never runs out & it never gives up on me, amen!
 I rarely remember my dreams, so when I do, I consider them quite interesting, possibly even significant. One of our family dogs from many years ago, Kelly, came to mind recently in a stressful dream. She was distressed, barking as she often did, chained up outside in our back yard. There was a lot of water all around her from rain & a hose or sprinkler. She was in desperate need of rescue & companionship. In the dream, I was so tired (no surprise there) & was sleeping. My x-partner & his girlfriend came by encouraging me to 'deal with' (help) Kelly. Finally I gathered the strength & went out to see her. She was so eager to see me even if only for the possibility of 'something better'. She scrambled up many stairs to get to me & away from the miserable, sogginess of her home base. However, as she reached the top step, the cable attached to her collar began violently hoisting her back down several flights of stairs toward her doghouse. I winced watching her go limp & take the fall. How many times has she been through this? I woke up hurting, startled & sad. One of the symptoms of me/cfs is "unrefreshing sleep" which means that upon waking, I feel as though my 'sleep' involved completing a triathlon while having the flu & then being run over by a truck. Is this symptom occurring because, even though I don't recall, I frequently have disturbing dreams like this one about Kelly? Or do I have stressful dreams like this about hope & continuing to try even when it hurts because I have a medically neglected disease & this is how it feels, over & over again?
I've always admired how loyal & happy dogs are. Even when they are not treated well, they still love their human companions & are content with only scraps of food & attention. That is enough, for now anyway, about my sad dog dream & memories. I want to change the subject entirely & point out the verses in the book of John where Jesus speaks about joy (at least three times): If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. John 15:10-12 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. John 16:22-24 Before Jesus' death, this is Him praying to ('Himself'), the Father: I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. John 17:13
My friend & I, one of the things we do to help us through painful symptoms & other difficulties is imagine & discuss what heaven will be like. It brings us joy & peace to wonder about living where not only all our own needs & Godly desires are met, but everyone's are. Instead of the majority of our time & energy spent on survival, our entire focus will be on praising God with singing, connecting with each other & having fun. There is no time like the present, of course, to do these things! Eternal life is forever, so in a certain sense, it is already well underway. Lord Jesus, I ask in your name, please let the worship of you through friendship, fun & leisure increase. Bless you Lord for telling us that we're your friends (John 15:15). Your words contain the full measure of your joy within them! Amen. Luke records Jesus teaching the parable of the sower: "The seed is the word of God." (8:11), He explains to His disciples. When seed falls on good soil it yields an abundant crop (Luke 8:8). Moreover, in the first chapter of John, it is written: "In the beginning ... the word was God. (John 1:1) & the word became flesh & made his dwelling among us (John 1:14). The seed, of course, is Jesus Christ. He gives His word through His disciples, the good soil. Joel Kramer explains it this way: a seed is a container that holds a little plant that can feed & sustain many people.
When planted in good soil, it is the container, the protective, outer shell of the seed that "dies" by breaking open & falling away so that the life unseen within comes forth. A seed that dies in the right conditions, rather than withering into dust, gives way to 'the next version' of itself. This next version is more suitable to the immediate & upcoming environments. Jesus died so His disciples for many generations can live upon His word, resurrected flesh, forgiveness & harvest -- "I am the bread of life" He said (John 6:35). And also, we rest upon & grow in strength from the blessings of the Holy Spirit He's sent us from the Father: When the Advocate comes, whom I will send to you from the Father--the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father--he will testify about me And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning. John 15:26-27 But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. John 16:7  We can see this full grown wheat plant as Jesus' resurrected self witnessed by His disciples & many others. Without intending to be too dramatic or depressing, being sick for so long with me/cfs, has been at least somewhat of a 'dying-to-self' experience. My outer, 'protective shell', or certain, core aspects of my personality have had to give way. There are many things about me that are currently no longer, due to disability.  This digital art I made is inspired by parts work with Internal Family Systems. With having me/cfs illness/disability, my manager parts have died & the weaker, less desirable parts (exiles) have thus not only been exposed but have had to take over 'running the show' of my life & personality. With the help of the Lord & my family, 'they' are doing the best they can. Not all is lost, thankfully, I have come to appreciate that what I do, feel, think, like & don't like are pretty trivial & temporary aspects of myself compared to my deepest identity in Christ. For it is only in Christ that we are brought to fullness (Colossians 2:10). Does fullness mean perfection? No way, of course not in a human sense anyway. Fullness means knowing the Lord, putting my faith in Him & thus being at peace with what is (e.g. 'whether living in plenty or in want' Philippians 4:12). Not every moment am I content by any means, but in the bigger picture & gradually, increasingly so, I am. Over many years of increasing disability, as my old self has fallen away, several new versions of me have emerged but they also did not survive. In two years from now, I will be starting my fifth decade! I pray that by then, 'Jeannene 5.0' will be the healthiest version; strong & adaptable to sustain herself long-term. I appreciate already that embracing the opposite ways as well as my old ways, will very likely be required. This is not easy but seems necessary for growth. For example, I have finally developed past needing to be a helper & caregiver! Phew :) But still, I could improve further in terms of asking for & receiving community (as in unpaid) help. I have changed completely in no longer feeling sad or lonely without validation or input from others when I share these blogs, posts or my art on social media. Also, I am stepping back & letting God do His work through me rather than eagerly, persevering in what I think God's purpose for me is. A wise, new friend recently pointed out to me the Bible verse Proverbs 19:21: "Many are the plans in a person's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Jesus told Martha: "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:25). This photo of a wheat field represents all those who emphatically answer "Yes!"  |
