 I rarely remember my dreams, so when I do, I consider them quite interesting, possibly even significant. One of our family dogs from many years ago, Kelly, came to mind recently in a stressful dream. She was distressed, barking as she often did, chained up outside in our back yard. There was a lot of water all around her from rain & a hose or sprinkler. She was in desperate need of rescue & companionship. In the dream, I was so tired (no surprise there) & was sleeping. My x-partner & his girlfriend came by encouraging me to 'deal with' (help) Kelly. Finally I gathered the strength & went out to see her. She was so eager to see me even if only for the possibility of 'something better'. She scrambled up many stairs to get to me & away from the miserable, sogginess of her home base. However, as she reached the top step, the cable attached to her collar began violently hoisting her back down several flights of stairs toward her doghouse. I winced watching her go limp & take the fall. How many times has she been through this? I woke up hurting, startled & sad. One of the symptoms of me/cfs is "unrefreshing sleep" which means that upon waking, I feel as though my 'sleep' involved completing a triathlon while having the flu & then being run over by a truck. Is this symptom occurring because, even though I don't recall, I frequently have disturbing dreams like this one about Kelly? Or do I have stressful dreams like this about hope & continuing to try even when it hurts because I have a medically neglected disease & this is how it feels, over & over again?
I've always admired how loyal & happy dogs are. Even when they are not treated well, they still love their human companions & are content with only scraps of food & attention. That is enough, for now anyway, about my sad dog dream & memories. I want to change the subject entirely & point out the verses in the book of John where Jesus speaks about joy (at least three times): If you keep my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have kept my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete. My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. John 15:10-12 So with you: Now is your time of grief, but I will see you again and you will rejoice, and no one will take away your joy. In that day you will no longer ask me anything. Very truly I tell you, my Father will give you whatever you ask in my name. Until now you have not asked for anything in my name. Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete. John 16:22-24 Before Jesus' death, this is Him praying to ('Himself'), the Father: I am coming to you now, but I say these things while I am still in the world, so that they may have the full measure of my joy within them. John 17:13
My friend & I, one of the things we do to help us through painful symptoms & other difficulties is imagine & discuss what heaven will be like. It brings us joy & peace to wonder about living where not only all our own needs & Godly desires are met, but everyone's are. Instead of the majority of our time & energy spent on survival, our entire focus will be on praising God with singing, connecting with each other & having fun. There is no time like the present, of course, to do these things! Eternal life is forever, so in a certain sense, it is already well underway. Lord Jesus, I ask in your name, please let the worship of you through friendship, fun & leisure increase. Bless you Lord for telling us that we're your friends (John 15:15). Your words contain the full measure of your joy within them! Amen. Luke records Jesus teaching the parable of the sower: "The seed is the word of God." (8:11), He explains to His disciples. When seed falls on good soil it yields an abundant crop (Luke 8:8). Moreover, in the first chapter of John, it is written: "In the beginning ... the word was God. (John 1:1) & the word became flesh & made his dwelling among us (John 1:14). The seed, of course, is Jesus Christ. He gives His word through His disciples, the good soil. Joel Kramer explains it this way: a seed is a container that holds a little plant that can feed & sustain many people.
When planted in good soil, it is the container, the protective, outer shell of the seed that "dies" by breaking open & falling away so that the life unseen within comes forth. A seed that dies in the right conditions, rather than withering into dust, gives way to 'the next version' of itself. This next version is more suitable to the immediate & upcoming environments. Jesus died so His disciples for many generations can live upon His word, resurrected flesh, forgiveness & harvest -- "I am the bread of life" He said (John 6:35). And also, we rest upon & grow in strength from the blessings of the Holy Spirit He's sent us from the Father: When the Advocate comes, whom I will send to you from the Father--the Spirit of truth who goes out from the Father--he will testify about me And you also must testify, for you have been with me from the beginning. John 15:26-27 But very truly I tell you, it is for your good that I am going away. Unless I go away, the Advocate will not come to you; but if I go, I will send him to you. John 16:7  We can see this full grown wheat plant as Jesus' resurrected self witnessed by His disciples & many others. Without intending to be too dramatic or depressing, being sick for so long with me/cfs, has been at least somewhat of a 'dying-to-self' experience. My outer, 'protective shell', or certain, core aspects of my personality have had to give way. There are many things about me that are currently no longer, due to disability.  This digital art I made is inspired by parts work with Internal Family Systems. With having me/cfs illness/disability, my manager parts have died & the weaker, less desirable parts (exiles) have thus not only been exposed but have had to take over 'running the show' of my life & personality. With the help of the Lord & my family, 'they' are doing the best they can. Not all is lost, thankfully, I have come to appreciate that what I do, feel, think, like & don't like are pretty trivial & temporary aspects of myself compared to my deepest identity in Christ. For it is only in Christ that we are brought to fullness (Colossians 2:10). Does fullness mean perfection? No way, of course not in a human sense anyway. Fullness means knowing the Lord, putting my faith in Him & thus being at peace with what is (e.g. 'whether living in plenty or in want' Philippians 4:12). Not every moment am I content by any means, but in the bigger picture & gradually, increasingly so, I am. Over many years of increasing disability, as my old self has fallen away, several new versions of me have emerged but they also did not survive. In two years from now, I will be starting my fifth decade! I pray that by then, 'Jeannene 5.0' will be the healthiest version; strong & adaptable to sustain herself long-term. I appreciate already that embracing the opposite ways as well as my old ways, will very likely be required. This is not easy but seems necessary for growth. For example, I have finally developed past needing to be a helper & caregiver! Phew :) But still, I could improve further in terms of asking for & receiving community (as in unpaid) help. I have changed completely in no longer feeling sad or lonely without validation or input from others when I share these blogs, posts or my art on social media. Also, I am stepping back & letting God do His work through me rather than eagerly, persevering in what I think God's purpose for me is. A wise, new friend recently pointed out to me the Bible verse Proverbs 19:21: "Many are the plans in a person's heart but it is the Lord's purpose that prevails."
Jesus told Martha: "I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?" (John 11:25). This photo of a wheat field represents all those who emphatically answer "Yes!" 
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 I created this image to express how I often feel living with ME/CFS. The magnificent thing about our "boats" (ourselves) is that, far more than actual boats do, we have a huge effect on the world around us! Our presence - bringing GOD into the world around us, changes the world. Lord, your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven, thank you & amen. Dear Holy Father,
We come humbly before you, each of us carrying some degree of weariness & burden. Our natural inclination is to fight & try harder, tiring ourselves out even more. Your word says you give us rest. Please teach us Lord, how to receive the peace, comfort & healing of resting in you. I invite us now to first just take notice & ask: is there a way I can position myself so that I am a little bit more comfortable? Maybe just a slight shift of my hip, or lean back or forward or can I choose to let go of holding certain muscles tightly? ... Ahhh, that is a little better already! And now, let us appreciate the blessing of the Lord’s ever-present breath in our lungs! Living with chronic pain, can make it difficult to appreciate our bodies, especially the parts that really hurt. It seems as if our body is letting us down or has even turned against us. Lord, you teach us in 1 Corinthians 6:19 that our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit you have given us. Our body is not a tool or our slave. Please help us take time each day, especially on the worst feeling days, to rest easy in appreciation of & through your love & strength. Let’s start with our feet. Please bring your attention to your feet. Are they feeling cold or warm? Tense or relaxed? Can you feel your toes? Can you feel the bones in your feet? When we pay attention like this to our bodies, it is like standing at the doorway to the temple of the Holy Spirit within! Thank you feet; you do so much for me! Now, imagine Jesus near you. How does He look? Where is He in relation to you? If you feel pain in your feet or at a different place of your body, show this to Jesus & see what he does or says. Moving on now to our legs. Give your attention to the bones & muscles around your knees ... & your hips. Can you shift your focus to the skin on your legs & notice a difference? Are there areas of your legs that feel good, maybe soft or tingly or even just ok? We will move on now to our back, neck & shoulders. These areas often feel sore from tension, stress & injuries. Let’s take a moment to notice whatever we notice here. Gently move your head from side to side, if you wish. Thank you God for my spine & all the muscles doing the best they can to keep me mobile & functional. Now, imagine yourself in a large, comfortable chair cuddled up with Jesus right next to you. Whatever part of your body that troubles you most, including any part I have not mentioned yet, bring it to Jesus & see what He says or does. How does it feel if Jesus touches or holds this part of you? We are coming to the end of this guided relaxation journey. Please take a few moments to wiggle your toes & fingers. As you notice your chest & belly moving with your breath, thank Jesus for His presence & tell Him you will see Him again soon! When you are ready to open your eyes, please do so & if you wish, take a moment to write down one or two words, insights or prayers you’ve had. If you’d like to share about your experience, please do so in the comments. Thank you for your participation.  I appreciate James Finley's talk on YouTube called: Becoming a Healing Presence in a Traumatized World. He shares stories about his childhood of violent abuse from his alcoholic father & how God sustained him throughout all that. Upon his graduation from high school, he entered a monastery which he says "radicalized me". With poetic imagery, he describes a few 'otherworldly' Godly experiences he had there. But then he undergoes another encounter of abuse, this time from a well-respected priest in authority over him & he "had a breakdown'. Finley explains the breakdown by saying: "As I was walking around, I felt like I was unraveling & sanity was like thin ice over icy-cold black water & it was cracking & if I fell through, because of my trauma history, I might never find my way back again, so I left." He left the monastery without telling anyone what happened. While I have not experienced the same severity of abuse, I've had enough trauma (& the privilege of being removed from it) to viscerally relate with Finley's description of "breakdown" & his response of fleeing. After painstakingly climbing my way out of a clinical depression in my twenties on my own via 'self-help', I did some traveling & then began a two-year apprenticeship at a personal growth institute in Massachusetts. For a brief while in life, I was at the top of my game! So I thought. What I didn't understand during my time at this institute is that the teachers there, so they could help me heal more, wanted me to 'repel' back into the hole of pain I scraped my fingernails off climbing out of. There was no way in hell I would willingly go to that place again. I eagerly explored many 'unhappy' beliefs & motivations for doing this & feeling that but simply put, I didn't feel nearly enough love from or trust in the teachers there, for me to 'climb back down' into the pit of despair to bring forth whatever remained. I'm doing so well now, I subconsciously thought, I've recovered from the wounds that had caused depression. Why pick the scabs & make them bleed again? This intensely demanding work & emotional 'healing' place I lived at for two years is why my 'Mama Bear' protector part re-activated. Instead of being angry & aggressive toward others, she protected me with shut-down (hibernation). Wait it out, in time things will be better (hopefully they will eventually stop prodding me with a hot iron). This is a major survival strategy for many living things that must endure difficult conditions over long periods. Shut-down mode plays a role in triggering & maintaining the long-term illness (ME/CFS) I experience but is not the whole story. What I know now, all these years later, is that Self is insufficient for healing. Even Self + doctors, medicine, friends, family, spiritual & psychological help, exercise, fresh air, sunshine, good nutrition, plenty of rest & sleep - all of that is beneficial, don't get me wrong, but barely touches the surface of the hellscape of on-going, daily body pain & bone crushing fatigue. An intimate, enduring & ever-present relationship with God via Jesus Christ is The Love that is absolutely necessary for sustaining life (eternal life). I've had to learn this the hard way. I pray that in sharing my story, others won't have to learn the hard way. For those already in 'a hard way', I pray that this will be a reminder to: 'ask for the ancient paths, ask where the good way is & walk in it', amen!   Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort those who are in any trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. 2 Cor. 1:3-4  I've been learning about Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy lately & thoroughly enjoying doing 'parts art' - which simply means expressing 'parts' of oneself with art. We all have parts; we are multidimensional multiplicities of mind, body & spirit. For example, Richard Schwartz explains how our inner "managers" & "firefighters" protect our more vulnerable "exiled" parts. He calls our exiles 'basement children' because they are the difficult feelings, sensations & beliefs we've banished into the 'basement' of our psyches to avoiding dealing with them & to prevent them from overwhelming us in our day to day lives. But, the things is, as we 'gain life experience' (age) & internal & external pressures intensify, it is as if our exiled parts get squished out from under us! They come squawking, oozing & creeping their way into our everyday lives as they expel (or excuse) themselves from our basements, often in protest of being down there alone, for much too long. I became interested in Psychology & looking deeply into my "inner world" when I was quite young. Starting with a cognitive-behavioral approach (the root of pop psychology & new age thought), I've enjoyed learning about the complexities of the human mind from various perspectives. Since about 2010, I developed more of a somatic understanding of our body-mind (e.g. polyvagal theory & psycho-neuro-immunology). As of late, have been exploring how all of this fits with Christian spirituality & specifically with physical healing & deliverance. During my recent Prayer, Healing & Deliverance appointment with Bernadette & Audrey (who by the way is 98 & has been doing PhD for over 25 years), I experienced a beautiful & reassuring vision of God gently & effortlessly scooping me out of a "brambly thorn bush" (illness), placing me onto safe ground & then the thorn bush turned into my favorite flowers, roses. This is what God does - He heals & makes things new! He makes beautiful out of difficult. Jesus teaches us to show up for the exiles (inner & outer) because that is who He is. The image here of Jesus glowing, depicts what happened a few years ago when Jesus came to find me, His lost sheep, during a long time of intensified illness I was going though. What a blessing :) “What man of you, having a hundred sheep, if he loses one of them, does not leave the ninety-nine in the wilderness, and go after the one which is lost until he finds it? The main thing I appreciate about 'parts work' (IFS) is the understanding that the focus of healing is not on changing or disposing of exiles but rather it is about acknowledging & getting to know them & their needs & updating them as to what is going on, especially anything out of the ordinary or stressful. Yep, this means chatting with our inner, vulnerable selves (usually children) on a regular basis! Furthermore, knowing that exiles, even after their 'burdens' are released, are permanent structures within each of us, takes pressure off of us trying to rid ourselves of them (which contrarily causes them to become even more lost yet heavy within us; the opposite of what is needed for healing).
A main point of divergence between Christian spirituality & the IFS model, is that in IFS there are "No bad parts" (see No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model -a book by Richard Schwartz & Alanis Morissette). Whereas, in Christianity, clearly, there is sin, we are all sinners & sin is bad! Also some Christians hold the view that many of us are in need of help with deliverance prayers designed to extract stubborn, evil demons from within. It is important to recognize that spiritually speaking we are all sinners in need of salvation named Jesus. Jesus is the 'bridge' & our model of a real-life, human to God relationship with God. I hold this as true AND I understand that to heal psychologically, we need to see ourselves ('bad parts' & all), with compassion & inclusion because the very act of exiling, banishing; calling something "bad" - makes it behave even more badly! If instead, we can do as Jesus taught us & think twice about 'casting the first stone' & then look at our 'bad parts' with empathy, curiosity & kindness, seeking to know what's happened to them & what their role & needs are - we have a much higher chance of healing (unburdening) them. By healing them, I mean reuniting them back with God's original plan for them by witnessing & releasing their hurts & soothing their pleas for relief. Before 'the fall' there was no suffering but living now in this cursed world with good & evil, what if all Christians got physically healed immediately upon asking the Lord? Would we be helpful to others who've had to endure ongoing hardships & suffering? God needs representatives who gratefully accept His ways of developing our patience in affliction & growing our faith to be able to comfort & share with others. Knowing spiritually "...And by His stripes we are healed." (Isa 53:5) how glorious the freedom is to let go & trust completely in God's sovereign answer to our request for physical healing: "Yes" "No" or "Not yet." Amen!  Our soul is the place deep within that unites our psyche & spirit with our body. The healing of the soul from sin is the innermost, profound (even pervasive) type of healing we can go through, somewhat like the process of physical birth. Jesus answered, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless someone is born of water and the Spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God. That which has been born of the flesh is flesh, and that which has been born of the Spirit is spirit. Do not be amazed that I said to you, ‘You must be born again.’ John 3:5-7 The degree to which sin has invaded one's self, soul healing salvation is self-destructive & as such, makes personal the crucifixion & resurrection of Jesus Christ: "It is a fearful thing to fall into the hands of the living God." (Hebrews 10:31) Many don't understand the need for soul healing and confuse it for other needs. The realization of the need for salvation is not something one person rightly can push upon another. The desire for a free soul: eternal life (knowing God as Jesus Christ), comes from within, hearing His knocking & calling us home. “No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws them, and I will raise them up at the last day." (John 6:44) Purification of the soul is on continuous offer from God Almighty to everyone alive, as the gift of grace through Jesus Christ. Accepting God's gift of redemption means entering into covenant relationship with God & surrendering to His Word & to His Ways: "...whoever loses their life for my sake will find it." (Matthew 10:39) As the Light of the Lord (Holy Spirit) goes to work within an individual's spirit when their soul is saved, full healing of body & mind is activated & nothing can stop it (not even physical death). Even that which seems like an obstacle (e.g. illness) becomes part of one's healing journey. God has a plan & always makes His Ways straight, uplifting us from darkness. "Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:29-30) I remember laughing out loud, likely through tears, when I read this Bible passage above. Wait a minute, I thought ... Your yoke is easy & Your burden is light? Come now, really ... why then is it so painful? While salvation happens the instant we first believe, its effects have our whole lives & beyond (eternity) to penetrate & permeate throughout our being. That God has us for such a long while (forever!) is a very good thing because we humans are very dense & so it can take Light a long time & some pretty intense pain to make its healing ways through us. The Holy Spirit clears us out; all that is not of God must go so He can fill us entirely. Iniquities, infirmities & afflictions - be gone, in Jesus name. Throughout Jesus' ministry He demonstrated much compassion towards those oppressed by illness; healing all who came to him, even those with little faith! The testimonies of physical healing did such a great work of spreading the "Good News" of Jesus like an underground fire erupting in places & never going out. Jesus healed the sick when He was God-made-flesh on earth & He continues healing people to the present day; we know this because it is written: “I the LORD do not change. (Malachi 3:6) Just as salvation can be a sensitive topic in the secular world so to is the topic of physical healing, or "Faith Healing", even among Christians. Why is it that some people heal quickly while other faithful folk remain sick for years, despite much prayer? It is so important that we be wise to etiquette around the topic of faith healing so as to not create more disappointment (where there is already much suffering) and push people away from ourselves and from God. I know firsthand how devastating it can be to be prayed over so many times & not feel any better physically, it's heartbreaking! I understand more now & there is much faith, joy (& even delight) in the renewing of my mind & softening of my heart, that I want to pass along. So now, here are some of the rules I pledge to live by regarding this topic: 1. Educate others about faith healing and let the understanding & the desire for it come from them (from God within them). When they are ready, they will come to it! 2. Do not assume everyone with a disability/illness wants/requires physical healing. Often people know subconsciously when it is their time to pass on or to remain in the condition they are in. In addition, many people with disabilities do not want to be fixed or cured. Never judge anyone who has "not yet healed" (e.g. as having too little faith etc.). The matter is between that person & God (& me or you, if they allow it). 3. All healing is from God; He made us healing "bio-machines". When praying for healing, rather than use the phrase: "If it be your will..." (If you are not sure that it is God's will to heal you will you possibly go against God's Will by asking the doctor to figure out what is going wrong, taking medication or getting surgery?); PRAY (something like): "Thank you Lord for hearing my prayer & healing me, in Jesus name, Your Kingdom come, Your Will be done, on earth as it is in heaven." AMEN! 4. One of the biggest lessons to understanding faith healing comes from this verse (& there are others like it): "Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours." (Mark 11:24) This is where people with chronic illness need Noah's ark & mustard seed moving mountains & the thief on the cross next to Jesus saying "Remember me...", type of faith. Once we've asked for health, we must believe it is so despite possible lingering symptoms. For this is what faith is, believing that which we do not have empirical evidence for. Believing what is not, into reality--not on the basis of new age sayings and positive psychology but on the authority of God & His promises throughout scripture.
This is a huge revelation in that, rather than getting disappointed after prayer & continued symptoms, we can instead take action to cultivate more faith, such as, by making confession: "Jesus is the Lord of my life. Sickness & disease have no power over me." (Charles Capps). Each confession is like lifting weights; it's going to take many repetitions to become stronger & see our "faith muscles" increase. Similarly, it may take many repetitions to see health replace symptoms after years of the brain subconsciously "rehearsing" certain sensations over & over. Furthermore, there are reasons other than what I've mentioned so far (e.g. timing, faith) as to why one's physical healing may be delayed. I have more to share and will do so in another blog, another time. Thank you for reading & happy healing, amen! I'm so pleased to write that a keto diet has greatly reduced my debilitating symptoms. I have better mental & physical energy & less muscle pain (especially first two weeks of the diet). I pray I can keep it up and that this info helps others who are struggling with ME/CFS. Please God, help scientists figure out who with ME/CFS can benefit & why it is effective. Cheers to ketones (not carbs) for energy!
My aunt got me onto monitoring my blood glucose levels over a month ago. While I couldn't see that I am in immediate danger of diabetes (yet), my blood sugar levels were quite unstable & spiked uncomfortably high after eating. Someday I will try using an interstitial fluid continuous glucose monitor to get an more data on this. Based on how my body reacts to carbs (not well!) it it pretty clear that my glucose metabolism isn't working properly. I think it is quite likely that my cells have some resistance to insulin. Thank you Lord Jesus for guiding me to improved health, in your precious name, amen.  Job is an especially rich book of the Bible for me. Reading it got me back into daily Bible devotion in 2020 when I was going through a period of depression in addition to ongoing ME/CFS since 2007. Much of what Job says is dramatic, understandably so, considering the intensity & unrelenting nature of his tormenting condition of festering boils from head to toe. I can relate to much of his lament, such as when he repeatedly asks God about why he is even alive, ("What's the point of life when it doesn't make sense, when God blocks all the roads to meaning?" Job 3:23). Day after day of pain & illness to the point of being unable to function, eat and sleep would make anyone question their existence. This is precisely the point of the masterpiece of Job. The author intrigues readers to examine their lives & consider how or if God intervenes, what God allows or provides to us & why. Job contains 40 chapters of deep rhetoric between Job, his friends & God speaking through a storm. Note, spoiler alert, I was at first a bit disappointed that the conclusion leaves us without a straight forward answer from God about the main dilemma -- "Why do many Godly people go through horrible things while (so it seems) many wicked people live in ease & luxury?" I've come to understand through discussion & multiple readings of God's response to Job's defense (here's one example of so many)... "Have you ever in your life commanded the morning and caused the dawn to know its place; that it might take hold of the ends of the earth and the wicked be shaken out of it?" (Job 38:12-13) ...that we are not to know or overly concern ourselves with such matters only God contends with. We are to turn toward rather than away from God, especially in our anger & devastation, He can handle it. Crying out to, is trusting in God and so we pray without ceasing ("Teach me to see what I still don't see. Whatever evil I've done, I'll do it no more." Job 34:32) to deal with our situation to the best of our abilities. On a personal note, I will share how helpful & healing it has been to have a friend, GJ, who also has ME/CFS. Unlike Job's friends to Job, GJ doesn't shake his finger at me! We are patient, empathetic & encouraging of each other in ways that are difficult to know how to be for those who have not experienced long term illness. We share the same faith & discuss all things Bible for fun ... yes, truly a joy. It was GJ that came up with the phrase "Job it out" which I take to mean: complain as you must for a time then look to God for strength & support ("I've talked too much, way too much, I am ready to shut up & listen." Job 40:5) and do not expect everything to make sense! Modifying the old adage 'When life gives you lemons...' for those facing chronic illness, I try "gently squeezing" every drop of good (God) out of the 'lemons' I'm given ... & out of life in every situation possible. I certainly did so this past summer when I was able to go camping with GJ (who, by the way, I would not have met if it were not for having ME). Camping took much more planning & rest than previously when I was well but this time I got to go "slow" camping with my ME friend & we had a wonderful time. I'm praying for more adventures like that (minus both of us getting covid afterwards) & beyond. Amen!
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