Feelings are a language way bigger than words. By "feelings" I mean emotions & sensations. They are condensed information packages like zip files. For me they contain not just personal content but also something of everything I care about, which God knows, is a lot! I am learning more about what it means to be a "feeler" for the Kingdom of God. I pray dear Lord for your burden that is light to help me do your will in discerning & deciphering important feelings & what to do with them, amen!

It is interesting listening to stories of how people come to hear the Lord's calling & how He enriches lives & brings people through challenges. Listening to others' testimonies has helped me, as a Christian, feel less alone in what I have been through. Christianity is often not glamorous or easy. Many of us either come from or get into such difficulties at some point that we even question wanting to be immortal! Despite this, there are millions of brilliant Christian testimonies & many martyrs. This says a lot about the power of the living God! I agree with J. Warner Wallace, the American homicide detective & Christian apologist, who says: "I am not a Christian because it works for me, I am a Christian because it is true." As Christians, we give up to God our temporary, carnal (worldly) lives for eternal life with Christ:

I have been feeling called to share my testimony for quite some time & have realized I need to break it down into short stories so as to capture adequate detail. This blog is about the time in my life, not long ago that culminated in re-dedicating my life to the Lord. After many years of me/cfs illness & trying numerous things to improve my health without success, including crying out to God in prayer countless times, in 2020 I sought energy healing. I won't go into details about how those specific sessions were for me but I'll mention a few points about taking an online class taught by the energy healer.

This course was for learning metaphysical strategies to improve my energy, in other words, "new age" practices. There are those who believe that some of the origins of new age teachings come from Christianity, but with the authority of Jesus Christ removed, they are dangerous, blasphemous, idolatry. At that time, I was a Christian but on the periphery of new age for years, however, I was never really sold on it. Participating in the class with the energy healer felt intriguing but also intimidating. I had entered an arena that felt foreign to me. I was like a pet rabbit in a jungle! They were checking me out in a deep & undisclosed way, which was not comfortable for my highly sensitive, introverted self who just wants to be healthy, engage harmoniously with others & have a pleasant life. Also, I could feel more clearly than usual how everyone's morality is unique.

It is good that I came to know these things in such a tangible way because before this, I could be naive & too trusting of others. However, being introverted & reserved has been one form of protection against that. Around this time, I realized how important adhering to the ten commandments is for communities. As common sense as they are to me, many other people live by totally different moral laws or none at all.

In the late Spring of 2020, the energy healer-teacher invited me to a 'purification' or sweat lodge, that he was leading. There was four other participants, one 'watchman' & I brought a friend along. It is impossible to put such a densely packed felt experience into words but I will do my best. May this message be pleasing to the Lord & helpful for the Kingdom of God. Before beginning 'the sweat', I was concerned the heat inside the lodge was going to be unbearable, like the heat inside a car on a hot day, a suffocating heat, but it was not like that at all. The most striking aspect of the experience was the profound, unspeakable beauty.

Beauty I felt. Beauty that drenched me in a tender, misty-liquid-light type of love that emanated from the fire that was inside the rocks that lay burning in the middle of the lodge. Holy Spirit filled the dome-shaped log structure we were gathered in. There was nothing scary about this experience, yet I also felt vulnerable & an appropriate 'fear of the Lord' in there. His shear power, sacredness & deserving of respect, commanded such reverence. If there were any unholy spirits around, they didn't stay long! The blissful, comforting, healing warmth of Holy Spirit relaxed my body that so often feels pain. Plus, there was just the right amount of coolness in the air coming up from the earth that we were seated upon. My mind felt peacefully calm & clear as I breathed in the delicately rich scent of cedar. We each prayed & also sang Amazing Grace together.

This event was a mixture of Indigenous culture, Christianity & new age healing. What the ... (insert 'mind blown' emoji)? I would have liked to of had more prior understanding about the tradition of the purification lodge & 1:1 debriefing time with the energy healer. I was told later by one of the elders that the purification lodge is similar to going to church for Indigenous people. Well it was quite the service, phew!

I am grateful I was able to feel the healing, power & beauty of the Holy Spirit during that experience. However, I will also add that there are things that happened during that chapter of my life that were unbearably painful & difficult to process on my own. It has taken me years to integrate & just now share little bits of it. I have not felt comfortable talking with anyone about these experiences in any depth & this isolation has weighed on me. I participated in the lodge when I was going through a time of extremely poor health as well as the pandemic. I would not have gone for energy healing if I had other options & wasn't at the end of my rope.

I am curious about the other participants' experiences in the lodge; likely they are quite different from mine. This was not the first time I had been overwhelmed by the presence of the Holy Spirit. While it was blissful for me at this time, I know that the convicting power of Holy Spirit can also be very uncomfortable - even to the point of being confused as an evil presence. Scripture records several examples of the spirit of the Lord, immediately upon appearing to people, saying: "Do not be afraid" (Isaiah 41:10; Matthew 1:20; Luke 2:10; Acts 18:9).

Psychology & new age spirituality teach about the importance of "shadow work" & integration for healing & personal development. Integrating the shadow is about seeing & accepting the "dark side" or hidden aspects of ourselves rather than remaining unaware or repressing them (often with guilt & shame). The energy healer told me that trying to heal by doing shadow work on ourselves is like trying to do our own dental work, ouch!

The concept of "shadow work" comes from scripture. A central part of Christianity is being well-aware of the dark or evil, sin-nature of ourselves & of humanity in general. We also understand there are dark forces at work in this world. We are not affirming of evil, rather, we acknowledge that it is our biggest problem & it is precisely why believing in what Jesus has done for us is top priority & necessary for our salvific purification. Jesus is who He says He is & thus we need Him for ourselves to become whole & fully healed.

Jesus takes each of us as we are - broken by our own & others' sin & He mends us up with His righteousness so that we can stand before the holiness of God & survive His consuming fire (see Deuteronomy 4:24 & Hebrews 12:29). Furthermore, we are not to perform 'dental work' on our own teeth or trust just anyone with our shadow work - Holy Spirit takes care of this through conviction, baptism by fire & sanctification.

In this world, we face evil that is in the open light of day & that which is hidden in the darkness of night. There is good & evil intertwined in everything except God who is all good (see Mark 10:18). For example, how is it not more widely considered evil that much of the money being invested & exchanged world-wide involves sin (e.g. exploitation, greed, over-consumption, gluttony, corruption, dishonoring God's resources & creation etc...)? As Christians, how can we improve upon an economic system that has sin built into it? How is the economy changing as God's Kingdom comes & His will is being done on earth as it is in heaven?

While I was in the new age online class, even though I felt like a defenseless rabbit in a jungle, that was not the truth. In fact, I was & am a lion (or lioness) because of who lives in me. In surrendering my sin & weaknesses to Christ, I am made strong through Him.

It is still not easy being a feeler though! I adapt with a slow pace of life because feelings are heavy & can be deceiving & they take time to process. I am learning to not go to either extreme of over-focusing on details & feeling too much of one specific thing or zooming out in a huge way & feeling diffuse exhaustion. We all need God's help to see & understand more, like how both evil (the weeds) & good (the wheat) are to "grow together" until such time:

A few years after the purification lodge ceremony, I heard from the energy healer that as a child, he accepted Christ as his personal Lord & savior but sometime later, he got into metaphysical studies to make sense of his psychic abilities. I believe those abilities are spiritual gifts from the Lord but he was told they are sinful which had him turn to other ways of getting help. As Christians, we need to be there for each in support of developing our spiritual gifts rather than fearing & shunning them.

I believe God allows Christians to go 'undercover' as sort of a type of 'missionary' into new age or other communities. All missionary work is risky but this type is especially so because, as I say it tends to be 'undercover' in that to some degree we might even have to forget certain aspects of who we are in Christ or who Christ is in order to reach people & learn about Him in new ways. It might take someone who can feel Christ to be a reminder that He is within & wants us back exclusively now! By God's grace, we do turn back & can then share our stories of warning & walking each other home to Christ.

Other than the main concern of idolatry, the caution I offer is that the new age can be like any other business & the people who come to it seeking help are often in an especially vulnerable place. It is a way of selling things that make people want & even need more of whatever is being sold. This is how most businesses work in our economy - selling salt water to people dying of thirst. Some people feel this is also how religion & church are but this has not been my experience. The first & most important commandment of Christianity is to love God with all our heart, soul & mind, which, thank God, doesn't have to cost any money. When we love God this way, He is our Shepherd & fills us up with 'living water' which makes us less needy of the endless array of empty promises being sold in the world.

There are numerous Bible verses that tell us we are all called to Christ, for example:

& yet, I have come to see that there so are many unique paths to Christ. Furthermore, I have come to appreciate that the new age is a way for people who don't accept Christianity to understand more about the darkness of this world so as to try to wield it rather than be wielded by it. Sadly, many new-agers get hurt & further from Christ but there are also those who find the truth, the way & the life in Jesus Christ through the new age. I pray that all those in the new age come to know & submit to Christ sooner rather than later so that the least harm is done, amen!

When I was drowning in health problems, just praying, even sincerely lamenting on my own, was not enough. To stay afloat while treading water in a storm, I needed practical, tangible help. I needed (& still need) my family very close by, which meant I had to admit where I was at (gulp) & ask them to swoop in & help me & they do so much! I need church on an on-going basis. I need frequent worship & prayer with other believers. The Holy Spirit & word of God continue doing sacred & expertly careful work transforming & assisting me to do the things I have mentioned that are out of my character, as well as sharing this testimony! Praise be to God, amen.

Thank You Father for giving us Your word. May everyone hear the word of the Lord & give ear to the instruction of our God (1:10). Guide each of us to cease evil, learn to do good & seek justice (1:16-17). Thank You for taking our sins as scarlet & making them as white as snow (1:18). Urge us Lord, our rulers & companions also, to be righteous in Your eyes (1:23 & 26). To all who forsake the Lord, I command their hearts & minds open to You, so that they shall not come to an end (1:28). Oh God, without You as our living water, even a strong man will become tinder, his work also a spark (1:31).

Thank You God for teaching us concerning Your ways so that we may walk in Your paths (2:3). Nation no longer lifts up sword against nation. Never again do we learn war! Praise God, we walk in the light of the Lord (2:4-5). Our pride & loftiness is humbled, You are exalted & idols completely vanish (2:17-18), praise the Lord!

In You, we do not oppress each other but we uplift & lovingly guide each other to You (3:5) through speech & actions that are for & not against You (3:8). Thank You dear God for providing shade from the heat & a refuge from storms (4:6).

Give us strength & courage to stop with truth, those who drag iniquity with the cords of falsehood & sin as if with cart ropes (5:18). Thank You God for straightening out any confusion among us about what is evil & what is good (5:20). Keep us relying on You instead of being wise in our own eyes & clever in our own sight (5:21). Thank You for bringing us to work together to establish Your peace & light in the darkness & distress of this land (5:30).

Lord, we see You with our eyes, hear You with our ears, understand You with our hearts & return to You, the lost & sick & we are healed (6:10). In Your word, You tell us: "Take care, be calm, have no fear & do not be fainthearted ..."(7:4). Almighty Father, You gave us a sign! A virgin bore a son & she called His name Immanuel. Praise the Lord, He knows to refuse evil & choose good (7:14-15).

Dear God, Thank You for being with us (8:10). You tell us that we are not to fear what the world fears or be in dread of it (8:12). You shall be our fear then You shall become a sanctuary (8:13-14). Commit Your work of good & truth among all mediums & spiritists to consult You rather than the dead on behalf of the living (8:19).

Thank You Father for making all people who walk in darkness see a great light (9:2) & for breaking the yoke of their burden (9:4). I pray that the government rest's well on the shoulders of Your Son, our Lord Jesus, who was given to us. Wonderful Counselor, Mighty God, Eternal Father, Prince of Peace, praise the Lord that there is no end to the increase of Your government or of peace (9:6-7).

In Jesus name, I cast away false teachings that try to lead us astray (9:16). Thank you for burning up & dissolving the wickedness within each of us. Consume with fire the briars & thorns that entangle, oppress & hurt us (9:18). Faithful Father, Your hand is still stretched out & we praise You (9:21)! Woe to those who deprive the needy of justice & rob the poor of their rights. Urge us to protect & care for the widows & orphans, Lord (10:2) like You do, as one gathers abandoned eggs, You gather all the earth, (10:14), glory be to God. Blessed is the day we all truly rely on the Lord (10:20) & delight in the fear of the Lord (11:3).

Praise You Father, deciding with fairness for the afflicted of the earth & with the breath of Your lips, slaying the wicked (11:4). We will not hurt or destroy in all Your holy mountain as the earth is filled up with the knowledge of the Lord (11:9). I give thanks to Thee, O Lord; Thine anger is turned away & Thou comforts me (12:1). You are my salvation; I trust & am not afraid. For the Lord God is my strength & song (12:2).

We learn from long ago, in the day of the Lord, when hands fell limp, hearts melted, pains & anguish took hold (13:6-8) & sinners were exterminated from the land (13:9). You punished the world for its evil, the wicked for their iniquity & put an end to the arrogance of the proud (13:11). Mortal man became scarcer than pure gold (13:12) in the day of Your burning anger (13:13).

Blessed is the day Lord, when You give us rest from pain, turmoil & harsh service (14:3). The whole earth is at rest & is quiet, breaking forth into shouts of joy (14:7)! Those who are most helpless, eat & the needy lie down in security (14:30). The afflicted of Your people, find refuge (14:32). Amen! Thank You God for establishing Your throne of loving-kindness (16:5).

I pray that all people have regard for You, their Maker (17:7). Because we know You are God of salvation & the rock of refuge (17:10), the harvest will not be a heap in a day of sickliness & incurable pain (17:11). Thanks be to God for sending a Savior & a Champion to deliver us (19:20). Striking Egypt but healing, they returned to You (19:22).

Your power within me overcomes pain that attempts to seize me. Once so bewildered, I could not hear, so terrified I could not see; mind reeling, horror overwhelming (21:3-4) --No more; it is finished! I've turned up the volume of Your Holy Spirit in me & turn down the volume of my flesh. Pain is gone now in the name of Jesus. Chronic pain & illness have no place in my life. Yes, I want to be well Lord & I'm ready; thank You for healing me, amen!

The earth, polluted by its inhabitants' transgressing laws, violating statutes & breaking everlasting covenants (24:5), has been washed in the curse-breaking blood of Jesus. He has redeemed us & now we work earnestly, cleaning up & stewarding God's creation righteously. Thank you God for swallowing up death for all time & wiping tears away from all faces (25:8). You are our God for whom we waited & now you've saved us. We rejoice & are glad in Your salvation (25:9)!

The steadfast of mind, Thou keeps in perfect peace because he trusts in Thee (26:3). I trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord, we have an everlasting Rock (26:4). The way of the righteous is smooth (26:7). Indeed my spirit seeks Thee diligently (26:9).

When earth experiences Thy judgements, inhabitants of the world learn righteousness, especially the wicked & everyone perceives the majesty of the Lord (26:9-10). When Your chastising is upon us & we seek Thee in distress, only whispering a prayer (26:16), please have mercy Lord, in just the right amount. For You know each of our hearts better than we know ourselves. Hear the word of the Lord, O scoffers (28:14). The multitude of the ruthless ones are like the chaff which blows away (29:5).

Thank You God for laying in Zion a stone, a tested stone, a costly cornerstone for the foundation, firmly placed. He who believes in it will not be disturbed (28:16). Bless You for instructing & teaching us properly (28:26). Your counsel is wonderful & Your wisdom is great (28:29).

Help us not get ourselves into trouble with You Lord pouring over us a spirit of deep sleep, shutting prophets eyes & covering the heads of seers (29:10). Walking in obedience of Your way, with Your healing power, the deaf hear words in a book & out of their darkness, the eyes of the blind, see (29:18). Praise the Lord! Today is the day that the afflicted increase their gladness in the Lord & the needy rejoice in the Holy One of Israel (29:19). All who are intent on doing evil are cut off (29:20), those who err in mind now know the truth & those who criticize, accept instruction (29:24). Woe to those who execute plans that are not Yours & make alliance not of Your Spirit, adding sin to sin (30:1).

Bless God that it is so, in repentance & rest we are saved; in quietness & trust is Your strength (30:15). You long to be gracious to us. You wait on high to have compassion on us. For You are a God of justice. How blessed are all those who long for You (30:18). Although Lord, You gave us bread of privation & water of oppression, You, our Teacher no longer hide Yourself. Our eyes behold You, our Teacher & our ears hear a word behind us "This is the way, walk in it" whenever we turn to the right or to the left (30:20-21). We say to graven images "Be gone!" (30:22). Thank you God for binding up the fracture of Your people & healing the bruise You inflicted (30:26). You Lord cause the voice of Your authority to be heard, amen (30:30)!

Your Spirit is poured out upon us from on high (32:15). The work of righteousness is peace & the service of righteousness, quietness & confidence forever (32:17). Blessed are we who sow beside all waters (32:20). God, You are the stability of our times, a wealth of salvation, wisdom & knowledge. The fear of the Lord is our treasure (33:6). Sinners are terrified, Lord. Trembling has seized the godless. "Who among us can live with the consuming fire? Who among us can live with continual burning?" (33:14). Let us take Your strength, courage & words leading them to Your salvation.

Glory to God that all who walk righteously, speak with sincerity & reject unjust gain (33:15), dwell on the heights. Our refuge is the impregnable rock. Our bread is given & our water is sure (33:16). Lord, You are our judge, our lawgiver, our King & You save us (33:22)! No resident says "I am sick." The people who dwell here are forgiven their iniquity (33:24). We encourage the exhausted & strengthen the feeble (35:3). We say to those with anxious heart: "Take courage, fear not. Behold, God comes with vengeance & saves you." (35:4). The eyes of the blind are opened. The ears of the deaf are unstopped (35:5). The lame leap like a dear. The tongues of those who can not speak, shout for joy (35:6). Thirsty ground springs of water (35:7). This Highway of Holiness is for all who walk this way (35:8). The redeemed walk here (35:9). Gladness & joy are found & sorrow & sighing flee away (35:10).

Thou art God of all kingdoms on earth. Thou has made heaven & earth (37:16). In Your name, we deliver ourselves & others from evil & all kingdoms of earth know that Thou alone, Lord, art God (37:20). You know our sitting down, our going out & our coming in (37:28). Because of our arrogance, You put Your hook in our noses & Your bridle in our lips (37:29).

As Hezekiah prayed, I pray also: "Remember now, O Lord, I beseech Thee. I have walked before Thee in truth, with a whole heart & have done what is good in Thy sight." (38:3). You heard his prayer, saw his tears & behold, You added fifteen years to his life (38:5). Likewise, You heal my body of physical disease making me the long-living, healthy new creation You created me to be! When any of us moan like doves & feel oppressed, be our security (38:14). Restore us to health & let us live (38:16)! Thank You for keeping my soul from the pit of nothingness & casting all my sins behind Thy back (38:17). Thank You Father for these days of peace & truth (39:8). Amen!

This phrase: "The miracle that we are IS God" is my initial take away a few chapters into listening to the audio-book: "Cure Your Fatigue: How balancing 3 minerals & 1 protein is the solution you're looking for, by Morley M. Robbins. It is nothing but wondrous how the human body functions in all of its complexity! All glory to God, Amen.

David's Prayer of Praise ~ Then David praised the Lord ..."O Lord, the God of our ancestor Israel, may you be praised forever & ever! Yours, O Lord, is the greatness, the power, the glory, the victory & the majesty....Wealth & honor come from you alone, for you rule over everything. Power & might are in your hand & at your discretion people are made great & given strength....But who am I & who are my people, that we could give anything to you? Everything we have has come from you & we give you only what you first gave us! We are here for only a moment, visitors & strangers in the land as our ancestors were before us. Our days on earth are like a passing shadow, gone so soon without a trace."

I highlight this passage because it reminds me to be grateful & humble knowing that we are all children of God, equal in His sight. And it reminds me to be grateful for all that God has given & done for me instead of grumbling about that which is going badly & not having everything I want. How many times has God spared my life without me having even so much a clue about it!? What can I offer in thanks to God? All of what was first given to me - my life - of course the good parts & yes, I've handed over the bad & ugly parts too. I am an ongoing work in progress being ever-renewed & reformed by Christ.

I acknowledge & am grateful for the privilege of receiving a positive reflection of Christ at an early age. Although I wandered away for quite some time, Christ never left me! I pray dear Lord for all those who have been hurt by people reflecting Christ poorly. Please touch, heal & soften their hearts to you Heavenly Father & correct those who are preaching in your name in ways that are harmful.

I pray dear God that those coming to Christ receive mature, loving support through difficult times, such as when pleading for circumstances to improve & yet they do not. Lord help us be patient & trust that just as we often can not make the problems of our own children go away, you also do not always free us from sorrows & obstacles, often for reasons beyond our understanding. Your grace alone is sufficient. In Jesus name, amen!

'Not by might nor by power, but by My Spirit,' says the Lord of hosts.

We fool ourselves when we take ownership and pride in our accomplishments because there is no might and there is no power without the Spirit of the Lord, there is nothing.

Visions of gold and light - a lampstand or a person reflecting God's glory?